Tv Ne Cede Malis Sed Contra Avdentior Ito

So much to update about. I finished my thesis. My parents arrived the Wednesday before my bacc, and we went to Yume with Lauren for dinner. It was a really nice time. Lauren is family. It was nice to be out with her and my folkses. Lauren and I shared gyoza, tuna tataki, and two sushi rolls. One was the Amazing Roll (and it lives up to its name), but I don't remember what the other one was. We talked and were silly and had fun.

The next morning, Dan'o and I went to pick up the bagels. Morning traffic was annoying on the way to Panera, but we could see that it was stop-and-go in the other direction. We were completely stunned by the amount of morning traffic in Sarasota. We got caught in it, despite trying to take an alternate route by taking Tallevast. Neither of us thought that we would make it to the bacc on time, and I almost panicked. Dan'o put on Decomposer in the car, which was nice. It helped me stay focused a little bit. And then, we got to an intersection and it was the traffic there that had been holding up all the other traffic on Tallevast. We whizzed back to the dorm and everything ended up being fine.

My bacc was...bacc-ish. I don't really know what to say. I wore sexy shoes, my mom started to cry when Rohrbacher started his "this is the bacc" opening speech. And then I saw Aedan and Paul walking up...in Dynasty Warriors 5 cosplay. Aedan was wearing Ana's robe, which was what I registered first. I was super confused, and then I saw the halbred and the pheasant feathers. Aedan was dressed up as Lu Bu and Paul was dressed up as Pang Tong. It was awseome, and it took all my self-control not to laugh. It also helped me calm down and keep from freaking out.

Shaw started the questions. I tried to just look my professors in the eyes the whole time and not think about the audience. Shaw didn't ask me any super scary questions the way he did Ana or Lauren (or any of the other people whose committee he's been on). The worst one was the question about yi being an internally-regulated value and whether Guan Yu could really be called heroic, since everyone probably thinks they are doing the right thing...like what about Hitler? I think everyone in the room was unsure of what to do with that question. I don't think yi is, in fact, an internally-regulated value, which I told him. I side-stepped the Hitler thing, I think. But when Shaw asked it, Rohrbacher and Zhang both looked a bit exasperated. I also struggled with Rohrbacher's question about the Augustan audience and context of the Aeneid.

After the bacc, Mom and Dad, Aedan, Ana, and I all went to the Selby Botanical Gardens. I've never thought any other botanical gardens was as good as the Arboretum at home, and I don't think Selby was better, but it was damn impressive. Really different. The orchids were amazing. We had tea samples and sandwiches and then we came back. I think I took a nap while parents went shopping. They came back and made dinner: chicken with mushrooms and onions, salad, bread, penne paste, and homemade pesto. Zomg the pesto. We watched Casablanca, which Suki had never seen before, and I was reminded once again how wonderful Claude Rains is.

Friday we got up and took care of things and went to Dan'o's bacc. Shaw asked her some extremely difficult questions--they all did, really. It felt as if Shaw did not understand what Dan'o was trying to do or why and it got really frustrating as the bacc went on. They questions lasted for an hour and a half, so the audience did not get to ask any, which was a bit sad. I felt a little bit like they went in circles, but I was impressed with how Dan'o handled it. She maintained a professional demeanor the whole time. It was cool.

Parentals and I tried to go to the beach in the afternoon, but as soon as we got there a storm blew in. We were at Lido Beach and we wandered around St. Armand's Square and got a table at the Crab and Fin just before it started to truly downpour. Mom and I shared a shrimp tarragon bisque and then I had linguine with clams. It was delicious. We headed back and I took a shower and then at some point we had a massive celebratory dinner at Tropical Thai. It was mom and dad, Suki, Ana, Paul, Dan'o's mom, Dan'o, Aedan, Aedan's mom and brother, Dan'o's sister, Michelle, and I. We had lots of good food and conversation. It was a lot of fun.

Saturday, parents and I went to the beach successfully. We frolicked in the water and flew Suki's kite. Mom and I got sunburned. Dad, too, a little, but not as bad as Mom and I. The water was warm and easy to swim in. There were pelicans and other birds and lots of people. We stopped and got sandwiches on our way back to the room. Then we cleaned up, killed the rest of the afternoon, and went to dinner at Zoria's. So fabulous. Delicious food.

It was hard saying goodbye to them. It always is. At least I had all my roommates to return to and keep my mind occupied, instead of sitting around being mopey. Monday was a bit crazy. Dan'o and I ran around campus getting things ready to turn in our theses. I had to wait to Zhang's signature on my abstract until 3.30 in the afternoon. Still, we got them in around 4.15 and turned in all our library books, too. And returned my unnecessary box of thesis paper. Dan'o and I basically spent the next several days alternately working on and procrastinating working on our comic book tutorial papers. Jesse arrived Wednesday evening. That evening was a little rocky, but we took a walk and talked some stuff out and it got better. Thursday I turned in my paper and we kind of got started on packing, a little. I guess. I don't remember. I slept really badly on Thursday night because I was so excited and nervous. I ended up finishing reading The Last Olympian. It was great. A billion cool points for Rick Riordan.

Friday morning we had rehearsal. Lauren and I ended up being next to each other, which was SUPER COOL. The rehearsal was mostly boring and not especially helpful. There was attempts at packing, and stressful insanity involving getting a vehicle to take to Norfolk. I realized at 5.20 that I had to be at College Hall at 6, and jumped in the shower. I actually managed to get ready in 20 minutes. It was impressive.

And Jesse is getting fidgety, so you'll have to wait for the rest of the story until later. ;P

I have been having a weird day. Listening to music, I was pulled into one of those moods. I don't have a name for them. It's not that I was sad, just very focused and it made it impossible to go back to the common room, even though I knew that Robert and Cameron had arrived.

But now we are playing. It is scary, because Khalid is pwning Guei's face but I have managed to hit him at least twice. I might die. I might get turned into scary Khalid-machine-creature and kill my teammates. I don't want to.

In non-Shadowrun news, Zhang sent me an adorable email: "Overall, I think you did pretty well revising and restructuring. There is always room to improve, but this current edition stands as a fine thesis. Your introduction is straightforward and engaging, your conclusion could be pushed further in the discussion of cultural construction of heroism, and I think you probably still want to add a preface in which you could write down your personal growth through listening to and rereading the stories about these heroes. This thesis will significantly add to your later memory of your youth."

My youth. ^_^ As if she's old. It isn't fair that my professor should be so cute. I'm going to miss her a lot. Also, I am sure she is right.

I don't really know what to do right now. I want to update, but I don't know what to say about Shadowrun. It seems that Khalid does not need his body as we had hoped, and it is possible that Guei is the only hope for killing Khalid. I do not want this to be the case because I think that would be incredibly scary. He is very much a scary boss. I have this weird sensation of Guei's fear and anxiety. Like he has an awareness that my dice are going to decide his fate, which makes him even more scared.

...I've been looking for icons and: ZOMG XIAOFENG'S UNCONSCIOUS!!

Also, (although I have no idea why) Ulquiorra reminds me of Guei.

And this is scary.

Rohrbacher wrote a comment on one of my drafts in the pietas section about one of the Ross quotations I used. The quotation is: "We must keep in mind, as we encounter the 'pious' hero, that there is nothing in the Roman concept that suggests religious or spiritual devotion, no sense of moral or ethical rightness. Pietas means 'duty,' plain and simple" (Ross 79). Rohrbacher's comment is: Boy, this seems a little strong, don't you think--no sense of moral rightness to be pius?

I'm not sure what to do with this. First, I don't know whether or not I agree with Ross' statement fully. So for myself I'm not sure how to respond to Rohrbacher. And from a slightly different angle, just because it's strong does not necessarily make it bad. Rohrbacher does not have to agree with everything I say. To me, doing your duty may be a matter of "rightness"--in other words, it is morally good to be dutiful, but the process of being dutiful and the duty you owe someone is not necessarily morally upright. Example: respecting your parents is morally a good thing, but if you owe obedience to your family and your dad tells you to beat your younger brother, that is not morally right.

So, is Ross oversimplifying? Possibly. But I don't know how to handle that. That's all.

Thinking.

Andrew Plaks is the author of The Four Masterworks of the Ming Novel and is (apparently) a fairly well-respected scholar of Chinese literature. I have been reading the chapter in Four Masterworks devoted to Three Kingdoms (Sanguo-zhi) to help with my thesis.

( Plaks pp. 407-413 )

So much has happened lately. Shortly before spring break I had a meeting with Rohrbacher which was significantly demoralizing. The result, which I have yet to share with either him or Zhang, is that I have restructured my thesis and cut my fate chapter compeltely. My thesis is now two chapters: one on Aeneas, one on Guan Yu. I've made noticeable progress on the Aeneas chapter: I've fleshed out and almost totally completed the martial section. I've also made progress on a comparison section like the one for Guan Yu and Lu Bu, found some more examples for the pietas section, and further clarified the flaws section for Aeneas (which continues to be a thorn in my side). As for the Guan Yu chapter, it is also moving forward. Mom suggests a lot more wrap-up/explanatory paragraphs, which I think overall is a good idea. I just deeply loathe them. The area in which I have made the most strides is probably the introduction. I've got a rough draft of the entire Aeneid intro section. I've also written several portions of the Three Kingdoms section and the outline of the thesis itself. I'm very excited. I've got about 40 pages written when I put it all together.

In other news. Um. I don't know. There was other news when I sat down.

I'm currently at Robert & Cameron's, borrowing Robert's desktop while everyone else (sans Paul who didn't come tonight because he's sick) does Shadowrun shopping. Like a goof, I forgot my character sheet at the dorm and have been pretty useless. Luckily we're not doing a run, just investigate-y stuff. I forgot how much I like Guei, and I'm glad to get back to him. Still, I wish I had Merpet. I'm kind of bored, just because there isn't really anything for me to do. I tried to help Suki put hair on her doll, but I am not competent, so I stopped before I broke something.

Fetish Ball is going slowly. A lot of the first years aren't volunteering for things the way I was hoping. I think last year we had better volunteer involvement. One of them, Noah, approached me at the Wall last night while I was dancing with Amelia. He didn't know I was the volunteer person for Fetish Ball, and he was talkign about it. He wasn't obnoxious exactly, but he seemed to really not want to be affiliated, so I'm not sure why he wants to help. Whatever. Mark Wilco says he's got security under control, so we'll see. He sent me the info for his volunteers, so I'll add that to my list. Bwahaha, power. Also, the t-shirts came in yesterday. I've got them all inventoried and bagged. Only one order was screwed up: Adam Flowerday's shirt came in purple instead of blue dusk, but he wants it anyway. I feel bad, but I'm glad it wasn't Mackenzie's shirt. They look pretty good. Jason says a lot of people will be put off by the homo-erotic theme of the design. So far I'm not sure they're any more put off by Fetish Ball than usual, despite all the reticence to associate with anything "like the pimps and ho's wall" (wtf?!?). Fish seems to be having the usual trouble getting volunteers for the workshop stuff. It sucks, but I'm glad I'm not dealing with it.

I should probably get back to game. More later, I hope. Also probably coming soon: a rant on Mr. Andrew Plaks, jerkwad scholar extraordinaire.

TTFN.

I woke up at some point this morning--6 or 7 maybe, possibly earlier--with my throat hurting and irritated. I tossed and turned until 8.15 and then realized there was no point to the continued unpleasantness, that I wouldn't be able to sleep for another hour, and I got up. Since then, I haven't done much. I immediately took Advil, and then I made tea. I only just had some cereal, which went down so-so. I did the "band/album" meme twice, and made an alternate version of my second album (Czernikowo's "Unsuitable Quality to the Unsure"). Photoshop didn't die on me! Shocking. I just put a load of laundry into the washer. I managed to fit all my darks/brights into a single load. Bwahahaha. I'm going to do another load of towels, too. Maybe whites.

Fetish Ball: The SAC cut our allocation by $50, giving us $900. Admittedly, this is a lot, more than double what we got last year. I don't actually object to the amount, although it is disappointing. What bothers me--all right, let's be frank, it rather pisses me off--is that in neither the meeting on Sunday nor yesterday were we given an opportunity to defend the amount we were requesting. They just debated it among themselves and barely spoke to us at all. They kept acting as if this was our original request, only barely acknowledging that we slashed approximately $2,000 from our request. Other than that, things are moving pretty well. Our t-shirt pre-order table will be up and running next Monday, and Claire and I will be figuring out the training for that tomorrow.

Thesis: Still on the "flaws" chapter. Getting rather cranky about it, with intermittent fun. But I think I'm moving ahead, even though it's slow. I won't let myself get discouraged to the point of paralysis.

Gaming! I have, for now, stopped my subscription to WoW. I wasn't playing, and it was probably better to remove the temptation anyway. Shadowrun is fun. I miss playing Finster, though. I'm sure it will all be good. I dunno what I'm saying anymore. I'm really tired and my throat hates me. I'm going to check on my laundry and go get food at the Four Winds.

Love.

- General Chapter Introduction: What I'm talking about: martial ability and virtue. Define any terms.

- Aeneas Martial Section: Greek influence on the epic tradition (martial)?
---> Explicate more clearly Aeneas' physical power, etc. Ability to fight, enemies fear him, etc. Parallel Guan Yu.

- Guan Yu Martial Section: Physical Power --> Speed, weapon, etc.
---> Dong Zhuo & Lu Bu --> Being chased, Lu Bu leaves his weapon behind.
---> Restraint as Confucian value. Research. Possibly move to other section.

- Pietas: General research for more quotes/sources for basic definition.
---> More examples, explicate more clearly.

- Yi: Great & Small Yi (Public/Private) needs it's own paragraph. -->Support with Mencius.
---> Clarify "rites" wording.
---> Draw on Confucian Analects, esp. for restraint and yi.
(Yi emphasizes loyalty to friends, distinct from zhong.)

- Other: Footnote Cao Cao's use of violence.

I'm working on Chapter II of my thesis (Flaws) and I've already hit a snag. On my to-do list for this chapter, the first item is actually 2 items: 1) Fix some awkward stuff about Jason, which I've put aside because I'm not sure how awkward it in fact is; and 2) Deal with some awkward phrasing about Aeneas' humanity.

I clearly see what the problem is. The wording is confusing and just weird. Mom's suggestion for resolving the weirdness brings up a new problem, though. She suggests: "Aeneas is a hero when the story is done, but he is not constructed from the outset as a hero. He is a human who faces challenges heroically." But Virgil does construct Aeneas as a hero from the outset--in fact, he is already established as a hero in the tradition, so this is an even more confusing statement. I am now asking myself what I mean, exactly. What am I trying to tell my reader, and readers of the Aeneid?

Yes, Aeneas is a hero. We know that, and my thesis is an attempt to analyze some aspects of why (or how?) he is heroic. Virgil is working within the framework of established traditions--both the epic tradition of Homer and Roman tradition, particularly the tradition surrounding the establishment of Rome. In these frameworks, Aeneas is already an established hero, possibly with his own (now lost) epic tradition. Nor does he have a monopoly on humanity: heroes must be humanized in order not to drift so far away from us that they are no longer of value to us, or serve whatever purpose a hero serves. Odysseus' desire for home and family is a perfect example, but even Achilles has kernels of humanity which anchor him to the audience. These other heroes, however, have identifiable flaws. Odysseus' is the famous hubris and Achilles, for all that it sounds very Biblical, is probably a combination of pride (hubris) and wrath. And Jason's just a moron, but there's nothing that can be done about that.

Aeneas is flawed, but not with a single identifiable "heroic" flaw as the tradition would normally call for. He is often indecisive, he struggles with the role he has to play in his own story. These flaws are heavily influenced by Jason's character in the Argonautica, indecisive to the point of incompetence. But Aeneas' story, like Jason's, ends before his flaw can cause his downfall. Odysseus' flaw is a problem at the beginning of his epic causing his wanderings, but it plays its part. The same might be said of Achilles. So where does Aeneas' flaw fit into the story? Or have I, once again, misidentified his flaw? If I look to the beginning of the epic, will I find a facet of his character which can be said to have started the chain of events that make up the story?

[thinking...]

I don't think so. The chronological "beginning" of the story can either be said to be the Iliad, which I feel is technically true but utterly unhelpful, or Book 2 when Aeneas tells Dido his story. So. Book 2, the fall of Troy. Aeneas has a dream of Hector warning him to flee with his family and gods. He wakes, arms up, and dives into the fighting. Hector's warning (or command?) is forgotten in the rush of battle, recalled when Priam is slaughtered and Venus appears and echoes Hector's injunction to flee Troy. After some false starts, Aeneas does. Where's the flaw? (Feels like a very abstract "where's Waldo?" game). As far as I can tell, Aeneas' flaws play no part in getting the ball rolling (so to speak), nor do they pop up at the end to bring about his ruin. I suppose another possible take on the issue, one I have skirted around thus far, is that his flaw is in fact his pietas--or at least the extent to which he is pius, to the exclusion of other values and considerations. If he were less pius would he do all of the things he does? Are any of his actions under the name of pieta bad? Well, leaving Dido isn't exactly a shining moment, but is it avoidable? I don't think so. I don't know. I may be confusing myself more.

I am going to come back to this later and see if I can make other changes instead, or if Rohrbacher or Zhang has some comments that might clarify my thoughts somewhat.

This was fun, though.

I'm supposed to be reading an article by Putnam about Aeneas and piety, but it's bugging me because I frequently space and can't follow what he's saying. [I'm listening to "Violets of the Dawn" and it's so totally distracting because it's such a lovely song and I like his voice a lot, too.] Also, Putnam is talking about the moment when Aeneas kills Lausus and arguing that what Aeneas says to Lausus is an attempt to escape responsiblity by saying that it's Lausus' piety's fault. He also states that Aeneas doesn't take responsibility for killing Turnus either. I think we don't see enough to say whether he takes responsibility for Turnus' death. For Lausus I think it's human for Aeneas to fly into a rage and we shouldn't criticize him. And if in his anger he is cruel or savage, that is the nature of anger as well as humans. But I think in that moment, when Aeneas pauses and looks at Lausus, his rage fading away, there is a kind of responsibility there, a recognition of his own handiwork and the violence that he unleashed because of the intensity of his grief. Also, Virgil deliberately obscures Aeneas' feelings and thoughts from the reader, so there's no way of knowing what is really going on in Aeneas on more than surface level.

Then again, maybe I just don't want to look at Aeneas in a negative light and am trying to invent things so that I don't have to properly consider Putnam's argument. To claim that Virgil's hero lacks the complexity of more modern characters would be insulting as well as utterly ridiculous. Yet I think that the way that writers are now able to present characters' thoughts and feelings has changed a lot since antiquity, and the epic style isn't interested in the minutiae of human emotion. I want to believe that Virgil withholds such information in part to force us to ask these questions, the hard questions. Should we think less of Aeneas for becoming overwhelmed by grief, for giving in to his rage? In the middle of a battle does it matter if he is killing because he is out of control or if he is in perfect control? Isn't war a terrible thing? I think Lausus' death is tragic, whether he is killed by a pious Aeneas, or an Aeneas out of his mind and blind with emotion. The death of a young boy, whether Pallas or Lausus, in a war is always painful, always awful, always hateful. But you can't hate the warriors who kill young boys, because it is the job of the fighter to fight. The tragedy is that Lausus has to fight at all, that anyone has to fight. War is tragic. Maybe Turnus is a jerk when he kills Pallas, and maybe he is caught up in bloodlust. I think crimes committed in cold blood are far worse, and I pity Turnus as much as anyone for being a plaything of the gods.

...Reading secondary material about Virgil frequently makes me feel that I'm not smart enough to read Virgil.

Aeneas' flaw is not indecision, I have realized, so much as a lack of resolution. It is not that he cannot make choices, or see what the best course of action might be. It's that even when he does he cannot resolve to DO it. When faced with Dido's wrath, although he is resolved in his path he cannot speak to her convincingly or plead his case properly. [I should probably draw on Ross for my analysis of this scene.]

Sushi is delicious. Although I forgot how much scallion there is in the amazing roll, and I almost choked on my first bite. Oops. Also had gyoza. Pan-fried heaven.

I missed Amelia's Exotic Fantasy Wall last night, but I had a lot of fun. We played Paul's pick-up 4e game. Aedan joined Dano, Ana and I. The party chased Black Dougan through a city sewer system and ended up attacked by ooze, imps, and rats (giant, dire, and were-rats). Finster, naturally, became infected with Filth Fever, but Paul and I decided that instead of spending a night doing a "heal Finster" side story that Finster would use Ether Leech to heal himself and would not have that power available for his first encounter and would have fewer healing surges for the day. We all leveled up to 4, too, which is nice. I took the Starlock Initiate feat again, so while I still don't have Ashen Star I do again have Dire Radiance.

I love Finster.

Following Game, Paul and I played some Dynasty Warriors. We finished Cao Cao's Musou Mode and did Sun Quan's as well. Then Paul asked to pick my brain about the Incarnate class he's creating. It was fun. It sounds as if it will be pretty cool when he's done.

Today I slept, played Sun Ce's story mode, and did almost all of Pang Tong's story mode as well. I stopped at Wu Zhang Plains since Pang Tong isn't that strong and it's a ridiculous hard battle. I've done some work on my Heroic Flaw section, which is how this entry started. And there was sushi, of course.