Silver's Guide to Household Gnomes
Gnomes: An Overview:
Many people hear the word "gnome" and think of lawn gnomes, the little statuettes that straddle the fence between adorable and creepy and wear tall pointy hats. They always seem to be old men, too. What gives? This guide is not about those kinds of gnomes.
The little critters referred to in this guide do not have a proper name of their own. They more closely resemble Terry Pratchett's Nac Mac Feegle than semi-cherubic dwarves. Perhaps someone appropriated "gnome" from them and it has since become disassociated with them, or perhaps they liked the sound of it and decided to borrow it. Their tendency to borrow things in general would suggest the latter.
The household gnome ranges from 4" to 6" tall, on average. They are bald. Their facial features are flattish and nondescript, and it is nearly impossible for a non-gnome to distinguish one from another. (Rather like ants). It is difficult to catch a glimpse of them, because they are exceedingly fast and always seem to know when a human is approaching. Some theorize that the gnomes have some extra sense that allows them to do this, while others believe that gnomes possess some camouflage ability which they use to hide from humans who would have otherwise seen them. If you do see a gnome, be warned: They are adorable. This is absolutely a defense mechanism evolved over centuries of mischief-making. No matter how much trouble they create, how deeply you want to just stomp on the first one you see, you will not be able to. Somehow the cornered gnome manages to be more adorable than a basketful of kittens with tiny hats. Baseball hats.
Speaking of head-ware: gnomes generally wear hoods over their little bald heads. The hood and other apparel of the gnome identifies which type of gnome it is. Gnomes are color-coded. Although war and inter-gnome conflict is totally unknown, the gnomes do adhere fairly strictly to their color-coded tribes. Tribes may work in coordination with each other, but they rarely interact much and different tribes always live in different parts of the house (or school, or what have you. They've expanded their operations beyond households).
Gnome Types by Color:
Yellow: The yellow gnomes are a bright, canary yellow. Their primary area is stealing/borrowing or simply relocating glasses. They also enjoy loosening the tiny screws that hold the glasses together. In recent decades they have expanded their arena to include contact lenses, magnifying glasses, crystal balls and tarot cards.
Blue: Blue gnomes can come in an assortment of shades, but generally are Crayola crayon blue. Their area is wallets, keys, and other small yet important items they find laying around (this can include ATM cards, USB drives, and iPod shuffles). Blue and yellow gnomes usually confine themselves to merely moving said items, as opposed to stealing them. They will occasionally borrow something, but it usually turns up eventually and often somewhere inexplicable. Check your fridge and freezer often if you suspect blue gnomes are involved.
Red: These are the most common variety of gnome. Almost every residence has a colony, even if there are no other gnomes. They also can be found in hotels, laundromats, and now and then at gyms. The red gnomes (a bright tomato red) are sock stealers. As any person who has ever done laundry probably knows, they rarely steal an entire pair of socks, leaving their victim with an ever-growing number of mismatched socks. While red gnomes have been known to return a sock or two, this is rare. In recent years, red gnomes (by far the most fractious of the gnomes) have escalated their mischief. Research suggests that they are also behind underwear stealing, tears or stains on clothing that you don't remember getting, stocking runs, shoes which have become uncomfortable overnight, and things you were sure you removed from your pockets before running the washing machine. A few gnome experts also believe the red gnomes are behind hat hair, but in my opinion this is wishful thinking, and rather unfair to the gnomes.
Green: Green gnomes are decidedly less common than their brethren, though they are by no means unknown. These little creatures come primarily in lime green, but have also been cataloged in teal and sea foam green. No one is sure why. Green gnomes adore switches, and have evolved more recently than some other varieties of gnomes. Light switches have long been favorites of theirs, but all the technology available today offers them a wide range of amusement. Luckily for us all, they have no hacking or password-cracking ability. At the first evidence of the presence of green gnomes (which are not restricted to the domicile), it is highly recommended that you lock your phone and other gadgets. Still, green gnomes are only beginning to branch out into the world of touch screens, tablets, smart phones, and so on. They are more likely to flip light switches, turn timers off or on, reset your alarm, and push buttons on your stereo/television.
Black: Black gnomes are some of the first gnomes and can be found in more environments than any other variety. They are licorice black and some of the peskiest creatures alive (excepting possibly red gnomes and fruit flies). These gnomes are responsible for phantom movements & sounds, and for things you think you see out of the corner of your eye. Although most gnomes are linked to places (home, school, office, gym), new research has suggested that a small tribe of black gnomes is linked to a specific person, and follows them about wherever they might be. Other gnome tribes can have colonies as large as several hundred, but a unit of black gnomes is usually fewer than twenty.
Purple: Purple gnomes do things like drain batteries, set clocks forward or backward by a few minutes, make locks stick, and sneak things out of the dishwasher before you run it and put them back in afterward so it looks like those items simply did not get clean. Also, when you need a particular screwdriver or other tool, they ensure you can only find the ones you don't need.
Brown: *BREAKING NEWS* Earlier editions attributed the movement of spices in your pantry/spice cabinet to purple gnomes. It turns out this was not accurate. Although purple gnomes do conceal needed tools, it is the brown gnomes that move spices. In addition to this, brown gnomes will take food out when no one is around so that it spoils faster. If they are antagonized, they will switch your salt and sugar. Brown gnomes are actually quite friendly gnomes, and generally quite placid when occupying a well-used, well-loved kitchen.
Chartreuse: *BREAKING NEWS* While researching gnome activity for a particular individual, a previously un-cataloged gnome was discovered. The chartreuse gnome creates stains on ceilings and walls, will hide and then reveal cracks in order to cause momentary panic and confusion while you attempt to remember if that crack has always been there, and will divert leaks so you can never find the source. Chartreuse gnomes have also been discovered to chip paint or scratch walls/ceilings/baseboards, etc, so at first glance you think there is an insect (or arachnid) where there is merely an imperfection.
White: The existence of the white gnome has only recently been confirmed, and it has yet to be determined exactly what they do.
Coping With Gnomes:
There is no proven method of removing or exterminating gnomes once they have taken up residence. As discussed earlier, direct confrontation is impractical because they are too cute. The diet and physiognomy of gnomes is almost completely unknown, and attempts to poison them as one would rats or roaches have been utterly ineffective.
That said, if you are experiencing difficulty with gnomes, there are steps you can take. Most gnomes can be easily deterred simply by removing opportunity for them to create mischief. This is why highly organized people, or those with extremely rigid routines, or some people living with OCD, rarely have gnome trouble. Putting things away and always in the same place makes it very difficult for gnomes to move things. This strategy is almost completely useless with black gnomes, however.
Aside from morphing into a neurotic, obsessively organized individual (no offense to those of you who are naturally that way), one's options for discouraging gnome activity is limited. This is in large part due merely to our ignorance of gnomes. For example, a household with a large number of glasses-wearers might seem like it would harbor a correspondingly large colony of yellow gnomes. In some cases, however, the colony of yellow gnomes in such a residence is minute, while the blue gnome colony in the same residence is unusually large. It also seems that an individual can somehow attract or deter certain types of gnome, but how or why is yet unknown.
Gnome activity is generally harmless, though at times frustrating. One can cultivate a fairly comfortable relationships with gnomes by viewing their antics as a game, and playing along. When gnomes and their humans are in harmony, gnomes have been known to create positive surprises for their counterparts. A prime examples of this is finding money unexpectedly, such as in the pocket of a coat. The more amicable you are with gnomes, the more likely they are to return items and do so in a timely fashion. Patiently indulging the gnomes in your life will not attract more gnomes. Gnome populations are fairly stable, and are generally determined by the opportunities available for each type's brand of peskiness. Where there are no glasses to relocate, you will find no yellow gnomes. (Well, maybe one or two for the occasional guest, but they hardly count). Should you choose to open hostilities against gnomes, however, their populations are sure to grow almost exponentially. Do not make the mistake of thinking that because you are human, and therefore bigger and arguably more intelligent, that you will be the victor in such a conflict. Hostile gnomes escalate quickly from mere switch-flipping and object-moving to genuinely dangerous acts. Despite no evidence that gnomes communicate verbally, almost any colony has a ninja or two on call, and they have been known to lure bears or Jehova's witnesses to their target's house.
No one understands better than I how difficult it can be to smile in the face of gnome mischief, but it is a much better course than finding fire ants in your bed because you aggravated the local gnome population.
I hope this guide was illuminating and helpful. If you have a question that was not answered here, or a section you would like to see, please leave a comment. Additionally, any information you have on gnomes is always welcome and (once verified) will be incorporated in this text with appropriate credit and citations.
Many people hear the word "gnome" and think of lawn gnomes, the little statuettes that straddle the fence between adorable and creepy and wear tall pointy hats. They always seem to be old men, too. What gives? This guide is not about those kinds of gnomes.
The little critters referred to in this guide do not have a proper name of their own. They more closely resemble Terry Pratchett's Nac Mac Feegle than semi-cherubic dwarves. Perhaps someone appropriated "gnome" from them and it has since become disassociated with them, or perhaps they liked the sound of it and decided to borrow it. Their tendency to borrow things in general would suggest the latter.
The household gnome ranges from 4" to 6" tall, on average. They are bald. Their facial features are flattish and nondescript, and it is nearly impossible for a non-gnome to distinguish one from another. (Rather like ants). It is difficult to catch a glimpse of them, because they are exceedingly fast and always seem to know when a human is approaching. Some theorize that the gnomes have some extra sense that allows them to do this, while others believe that gnomes possess some camouflage ability which they use to hide from humans who would have otherwise seen them. If you do see a gnome, be warned: They are adorable. This is absolutely a defense mechanism evolved over centuries of mischief-making. No matter how much trouble they create, how deeply you want to just stomp on the first one you see, you will not be able to. Somehow the cornered gnome manages to be more adorable than a basketful of kittens with tiny hats. Baseball hats.
Speaking of head-ware: gnomes generally wear hoods over their little bald heads. The hood and other apparel of the gnome identifies which type of gnome it is. Gnomes are color-coded. Although war and inter-gnome conflict is totally unknown, the gnomes do adhere fairly strictly to their color-coded tribes. Tribes may work in coordination with each other, but they rarely interact much and different tribes always live in different parts of the house (or school, or what have you. They've expanded their operations beyond households).
Gnome Types by Color:
Yellow: The yellow gnomes are a bright, canary yellow. Their primary area is stealing/borrowing or simply relocating glasses. They also enjoy loosening the tiny screws that hold the glasses together. In recent decades they have expanded their arena to include contact lenses, magnifying glasses, crystal balls and tarot cards.
Blue: Blue gnomes can come in an assortment of shades, but generally are Crayola crayon blue. Their area is wallets, keys, and other small yet important items they find laying around (this can include ATM cards, USB drives, and iPod shuffles). Blue and yellow gnomes usually confine themselves to merely moving said items, as opposed to stealing them. They will occasionally borrow something, but it usually turns up eventually and often somewhere inexplicable. Check your fridge and freezer often if you suspect blue gnomes are involved.
Red: These are the most common variety of gnome. Almost every residence has a colony, even if there are no other gnomes. They also can be found in hotels, laundromats, and now and then at gyms. The red gnomes (a bright tomato red) are sock stealers. As any person who has ever done laundry probably knows, they rarely steal an entire pair of socks, leaving their victim with an ever-growing number of mismatched socks. While red gnomes have been known to return a sock or two, this is rare. In recent years, red gnomes (by far the most fractious of the gnomes) have escalated their mischief. Research suggests that they are also behind underwear stealing, tears or stains on clothing that you don't remember getting, stocking runs, shoes which have become uncomfortable overnight, and things you were sure you removed from your pockets before running the washing machine. A few gnome experts also believe the red gnomes are behind hat hair, but in my opinion this is wishful thinking, and rather unfair to the gnomes.
Green: Green gnomes are decidedly less common than their brethren, though they are by no means unknown. These little creatures come primarily in lime green, but have also been cataloged in teal and sea foam green. No one is sure why. Green gnomes adore switches, and have evolved more recently than some other varieties of gnomes. Light switches have long been favorites of theirs, but all the technology available today offers them a wide range of amusement. Luckily for us all, they have no hacking or password-cracking ability. At the first evidence of the presence of green gnomes (which are not restricted to the domicile), it is highly recommended that you lock your phone and other gadgets. Still, green gnomes are only beginning to branch out into the world of touch screens, tablets, smart phones, and so on. They are more likely to flip light switches, turn timers off or on, reset your alarm, and push buttons on your stereo/television.
Black: Black gnomes are some of the first gnomes and can be found in more environments than any other variety. They are licorice black and some of the peskiest creatures alive (excepting possibly red gnomes and fruit flies). These gnomes are responsible for phantom movements & sounds, and for things you think you see out of the corner of your eye. Although most gnomes are linked to places (home, school, office, gym), new research has suggested that a small tribe of black gnomes is linked to a specific person, and follows them about wherever they might be. Other gnome tribes can have colonies as large as several hundred, but a unit of black gnomes is usually fewer than twenty.
Purple: Purple gnomes do things like drain batteries, set clocks forward or backward by a few minutes, make locks stick, and sneak things out of the dishwasher before you run it and put them back in afterward so it looks like those items simply did not get clean. Also, when you need a particular screwdriver or other tool, they ensure you can only find the ones you don't need.
Brown: *BREAKING NEWS* Earlier editions attributed the movement of spices in your pantry/spice cabinet to purple gnomes. It turns out this was not accurate. Although purple gnomes do conceal needed tools, it is the brown gnomes that move spices. In addition to this, brown gnomes will take food out when no one is around so that it spoils faster. If they are antagonized, they will switch your salt and sugar. Brown gnomes are actually quite friendly gnomes, and generally quite placid when occupying a well-used, well-loved kitchen.
Chartreuse: *BREAKING NEWS* While researching gnome activity for a particular individual, a previously un-cataloged gnome was discovered. The chartreuse gnome creates stains on ceilings and walls, will hide and then reveal cracks in order to cause momentary panic and confusion while you attempt to remember if that crack has always been there, and will divert leaks so you can never find the source. Chartreuse gnomes have also been discovered to chip paint or scratch walls/ceilings/baseboards, etc, so at first glance you think there is an insect (or arachnid) where there is merely an imperfection.
White: The existence of the white gnome has only recently been confirmed, and it has yet to be determined exactly what they do.
Coping With Gnomes:
There is no proven method of removing or exterminating gnomes once they have taken up residence. As discussed earlier, direct confrontation is impractical because they are too cute. The diet and physiognomy of gnomes is almost completely unknown, and attempts to poison them as one would rats or roaches have been utterly ineffective.
That said, if you are experiencing difficulty with gnomes, there are steps you can take. Most gnomes can be easily deterred simply by removing opportunity for them to create mischief. This is why highly organized people, or those with extremely rigid routines, or some people living with OCD, rarely have gnome trouble. Putting things away and always in the same place makes it very difficult for gnomes to move things. This strategy is almost completely useless with black gnomes, however.
Aside from morphing into a neurotic, obsessively organized individual (no offense to those of you who are naturally that way), one's options for discouraging gnome activity is limited. This is in large part due merely to our ignorance of gnomes. For example, a household with a large number of glasses-wearers might seem like it would harbor a correspondingly large colony of yellow gnomes. In some cases, however, the colony of yellow gnomes in such a residence is minute, while the blue gnome colony in the same residence is unusually large. It also seems that an individual can somehow attract or deter certain types of gnome, but how or why is yet unknown.
Gnome activity is generally harmless, though at times frustrating. One can cultivate a fairly comfortable relationships with gnomes by viewing their antics as a game, and playing along. When gnomes and their humans are in harmony, gnomes have been known to create positive surprises for their counterparts. A prime examples of this is finding money unexpectedly, such as in the pocket of a coat. The more amicable you are with gnomes, the more likely they are to return items and do so in a timely fashion. Patiently indulging the gnomes in your life will not attract more gnomes. Gnome populations are fairly stable, and are generally determined by the opportunities available for each type's brand of peskiness. Where there are no glasses to relocate, you will find no yellow gnomes. (Well, maybe one or two for the occasional guest, but they hardly count). Should you choose to open hostilities against gnomes, however, their populations are sure to grow almost exponentially. Do not make the mistake of thinking that because you are human, and therefore bigger and arguably more intelligent, that you will be the victor in such a conflict. Hostile gnomes escalate quickly from mere switch-flipping and object-moving to genuinely dangerous acts. Despite no evidence that gnomes communicate verbally, almost any colony has a ninja or two on call, and they have been known to lure bears or Jehova's witnesses to their target's house.
No one understands better than I how difficult it can be to smile in the face of gnome mischief, but it is a much better course than finding fire ants in your bed because you aggravated the local gnome population.
I hope this guide was illuminating and helpful. If you have a question that was not answered here, or a section you would like to see, please leave a comment. Additionally, any information you have on gnomes is always welcome and (once verified) will be incorporated in this text with appropriate credit and citations.
